Updated: Mar 9
So I wonder how good are your family or interpersonal business boundaries?
What do I mean with boundaries?
In family systems it is called differentiation and defined as:
“the ability to be in emotional contact with others yet still autonomous in one’s emotional functioning.” In normal words have healthy boundaries.
A well-differentiated person so having healthy boundaries can respond from an open acceptance of their own emotions, which are not tailored either to match someone else’s expectations or to resist them. They neither suppress their emotions nor act them out impulsively. When their ability to function is independent of other people’s having to their emotional work for them—that is, if I can remain engaged with others while staying emotionally open to them and to myself—.
When you look around in your family or at your company or maybe at yourself do they or you fit this criteria?
Or it is more of this?
The poorly differentiated person or having weak boundaries at the other hand is lacking an emotional boundary between themselves and others and lacks a ‘boundary’ that prevents their thinking process from being overwhelmed by their emotional feeling process.
They automatically absorbs anxiety from others and generates considerable anxiety within himself.”
As an example: it may be that they can do my work well only when other people—their employees, spouse, children—can absorb their unresolved anxieties by putting up with their bad temper, unreliable habits, lack of emotional engagement or even abusive behaviour. Were they to reject the roles they assign them, they might fall apart.
Why is this so important to know and be aware of this in your family or business relationships?
The less differentiation a person has attained, the more prone he is to experience emotional stress and physical illness.
As an example how that works out in family life, let’s have a look at a research of divorced women with strong and weak boundaries.
Married women were matched with an equal number of women who were divorced or separated.
In the married group, marital quality and satisfaction were assessed by means of self-reports. Immune system activity was studied in blood samples drawn from each participant.
Conclusion 1 : Poorer marital quality was “strongly and positively” related to poorer immune response.
In the divorced or separated group, the two psychological factors most closely associated with diminished immune functioning were and the conclusion was:
conclusion 2: the time elapsed since the breakup (the more recent the marriage failure, the greater the immune suppression) and
conclusion 3: the woman’s degree of attachment to the former spouse (the greater the emotional attachment, the worse the immune function).
So to sum up: Women who were more self-regulated, less emotionally dependent on a relationship that failed to work for them, had stronger immune systems.
Greater differentiation means better health!!
The less powerful partner in any relationship personal of with managers or colleagues will absorb a disproportionate amount of the shared anxiety—which is the reason that so many more women than men are treated for, say, anxiety or depression.
And that is why so many people are really physically sick from their boss.
The issue here is not strength but power: that is, who is serving whose needs? It is not that these women are more psychologically unbalanced than their husbands, even though the latter may seem to function at higher levels.
The partner or employee who must suppress more of his or her own needs for the sake of the relationship is more likely to develop physical illness as well—hence the greater incidence, for example, of autoimmune disease and of non-smoking-related cancers among women.
And as this is for the family system it is the same in the business system. The more dependency there is to the Manager/Boss or employees the more risk for Anxieties, Stress and illness.
So what do we do with this? We are aware of the reason but what is the cure?
That is why I connected the picture of my book: How Men and Women Fit, finally understand your partner with the 3 Brains theory.
You will find there besides the explanation that HEAD and GUT Brain people have stronger boundaries and HEART Brain people have lesser boundaries based on their preference to take care about themselves then others, you will find the solutions how to deal with them in a more healthy way. Furthermore how to recognise the Head, Gut and Heart Brain people and to deal with them in a better way and most important create for yourself a healthy balance between your 3 Brains.
The book is now available on Amazon, Ibooks and Barnes&Nobles. So actually you are the first to have to opportunity to read this.
Have great boundaries and live life like it is the best adventure you can have.
What people said about the book How Men and Women Fit, finally understand your partner with the 3 Brains theory
Stuart Padley: It's not just another self help book. It's special.
Margaret Lawlor: Your book is fantastic Christoffel and would highly recommend and really enjoying my advanced training in clinical hypnosis you are so full of amazing insight and knowledge
Michelle Vos-Castle: Love it Really interesting Read in one sitting Like the mix of you and science Is light but interesting
Source: Michael E. Kerr and Murray Bowen book, Family Evaluation: An Approach Based on Bowen Theory and Gabor Mate's book When the Body Says No.